Wednesday, May 21, 2014

For the girl with slant eyes and a fake smile

She was beautiful
but not like in the movies
or billboards and magazines
she was beautiful
in the way her hair
went with the wind
she was beautiful
in the way he held her hand
she was beautiful
in the way she subtly
hid herself
behind her smile
like she forced it

She was beautiful
like she doesn't belong here
she looked like the moon
when it is weeping for the sun
she was cool ocean breeze
bruising the shore line
eroding the sand
she was beautiful in her walk
in her speech
she was beautiful in her self
in the way she spoke
like she didn't want to raise her voice
like she was afraid to be heard

I have spent nights in bed
dreaming of her
dreaming of her laugh out loud
to his whispers at night in bed
i have imagined
how she would smile
even when he is being a dick
how she would part her legs
to let him in
to keep him in her
before he walks away

she was beautiful
but not in the way girls are
she was beautiful
in the way evil is
intriguingly interesting
she was beautiful
in the way she could always
wrap people around her finger.
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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Self Love

I haven't written on this blog in a while...well, one is because i just did not have any motivation to write and two is because most of my writing abilities go to the book i am working on.

A lot has happened, i did something so awesome couple weeks ago. I went to the saloon and had all of my hair chopped off and it was exhilarating. I mean, people talk about how horrifying cutting all of your hair is but really it wasn't that scary for me. I have been going through stuff and i needed to teach myself to love myself the way i am and never not put myself first. My hair was something that had lost its piece of identity for me. Along the way, while i was trying to make my hair defy its natural state by lying flat on my head, I lost my identity. As an african my hair is the one thing that makes me African. Its brutal our hair, i know. We have gone through horrifying ordeals with our hair growing up like being forced to braid and having our mums yank and tug at it while combing out...The mess.

Anyway, my first step towards my self love journey was to cut my hair. I cut out all the parts of my hair that make me someone else. I cut out the color, the relaxer, the pain, the hatred. I didn't understand the significance of chopping off all of my hair until i actually did it. It was liberating. I look in the mirror and i see me, i see myself, i see Africa, with my little afro and that's ok. I am beginning to love myself to treat myself right. I felt like i could finally breath. This is a new me, an improved version of my physical self. It was a stepping stone towards my journey.

"You need to love yourself girl or nobody will." Who said that?? J.Cole?? Wale?? I don't remember. but it's true, until you have learned to love yourself, to truly love yourself the way you are, only then would you learn to love and accept people the way they are. I was always this brute person. I loved fiercely and forcibly. If i can love people as hard as i can, maybe they wouldn't see how flawed i was. That was what i thought. I forgot to love my flawed self.

So this is my theory, if someone cannot love you the way you are, then honey, you should probably not be with that person. Unless a person brings out the best in you, the absolute best, unless a person encourages you to be yourself and makes your heart lighter, only then will you realise that persons love for you. Do not be with anyone who wants to change you. You are worth the world and if anyone can't see that, then baby it's their loss.

Am i projecting my feelings into this? Yes...totally. I think i have reached a point in this life where i can see my path right beneath my feet but i am afraid to step on it. Afraid to let go of the past, like i have some unfinished business, my self love journey will hopefully help me let go of my past and i would love myself enough to move forward with my life.

Well, Sayonara for now.
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