Friday, April 11, 2014

Ramblings Of A Sane Girl

"I am both happy and sad and i am still trying to figure out how that could be". Stephen Chbosky

I am one of those people who can't go to sleep at night because there is so much going on in their heads. My older sister once told me whenever you can't sleep, it means your brain is still active and it needs to shut down for you to be able to sleep. My brain has being running on over drive lately. The only true peace i get is when i finally calm all those voices down in my head and put my self to sleep.

I am not a fan of sleeping too much. I always say this "I have all the time to sleep when i am dead". I believe as i sleep, life is passing me by and there is so much to do before my time is up in this not too satisfying life. I am sad. I am happy. I am in a labyrinth of emotions. I cannot find my way out.

It is tricky, i have good days and bad days. On the good days i am so happy, my insides are literally bursting with so much joy and love and on the bad days, i just want to throw things and lie in bed. My brain is my own worst enemy. Sometimes, i am in a place where all of it makes sense. I have a plan, I am a go-getter and other days i sit and wonder, what is the point?? What does all of this mean? Why am i here?

Couple of weeks ago i met this lovely woman at the bus stop. She asked me for directions. It is one of those moments where you look up and say "I know God is watching me, this is part of a bigger plan". It is amazing how you can meet someone for a short while and they will change you, they will make you see the important things in life and reassure you of all the doubts in your head. We shared Oysters and tea and ended up talking for 5 hours. This is a stranger i met at the bus stop. I think she was a gift to me you know, sent to make me believe even harder that even if nothing goes right, even when everybody leaves, my faith in my God will keep me going. She uplifted my spirits.

That doesn't mean i don't have bad days anymore, i do. The thought of the future scares me. I do not  want to be stuck in an everyday routine of waking up, going to work and surviving each day. I want to live. I am afraid i will wake up one morning and i am 50, at a dead end job in a loveless marriage. That honestly kills me inside and out. I want to live a happy life, I want to do things i love, surrounded by people i love and help people.

I feel like as i was busy working hard to get good grades in high school and graduate University in 4 years with impressive grades, i forgot to take time to find out who i was and what i really wanted. Most of us were born into a life where everything is planned out for us. Are the choices you are making truly your own choices or are they someones ideas and dreams you are pursuing. Along the line when it is almost late i finally found out who i was and what i wanted. Most of the time, i wish i had known this sooner. I wish i had known what i wanted when i was still an Undergrad, things would have turned out way happier for me.

I am not saying things are bad now, they are not, i am glad i finally figured things out for myself and found my own path. I still have my fears about the future. I am still afraid of being stuck. I am afraid of vulnerability more than anything but still we all have to do our best right? To make sure we come out clean at the end of the day and wake up at 50 and still feel 25 right?

These are just ramblings of a mad girl no?!



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