Saturday, July 14, 2012


Do you know grief? Do you know what it's like to grieve? Have you ever lost someone so dear to you that you swore you would never smile again?

Grief is the cause of intense, deep, and profound sorrow, especially in a specific event or situation. Well that is what the dictionary tells us but to me, grief is more than that. To grieve is to feel like your entire universe is closing up on you. It's like drowning, no matter how much you try to breathe under the water, you just can't and if for some reason they call survival instinct you do breathe under water, you begin to choke and then you feel your lungs getting filled with water, abandoning you and closing up on you. It is said that we all grieve in a different way, true. some people take longer to get over grief while some other wise. They say "let her grieve, it's normal to grieve when you are hurt, the pain will pass" but honestly, the pain doesn't go away. It never does. It just settles in a little corner in your heart just waiting for you to try to go to sleep at night and then it jumps on you and then you feel the pain all over again.

Grieving is one thing, grieving alone is another thing. Few years ago, i lost someone very dear to me, some one i never even knew i loved so much till she was yanked away from me without any notice or goodbye. My aunt was a big part of my childhood and when she left, i felt so alone in a world filled with people i love. The worst part was grieving alone, with no family to console me when i cried at night or when i remembered the last time i saw her and the words she said to me, with no one to tell how much i wanted to see her one last time, no one to tell my constant dreams of her. It was like dying but yet still alive. I could feel my heart abandoning me, reminding me of how i would never see her again. The point is, whoever told you the pain goes away lied. the pain doesn't . I see her picture sitting by my bed side and the pain is there, a constant reminder, not going away, not getting more, just hurting like the first day i knew she was gone. 

The other thing about grief is trying to push past the grief, the aim is to keep telling yourself how much you love that person and how much they would want to to live your life without them. You then fight the pain, you fight the sadness, you fight the depression. You remember that this time, you are not just fighting for you, you are fighting for that person as well. You fight so that when you meet on the last day, they would be proud of the person you became without them. They would look at you and be proud of how strong you were  through their absence. No one said it would be easy, and i will surely not tell you one day, it will stop hurting because it won't but one thing i can tell you is this, put it at the back of your mind that no matter how much you love that person and how much you want that person back, the Supreme being up above in the heavens loves them more than you, he made them after all didn't he? Fight to keep the grief in a little box down in your heart, keep the person there, a special place you keep just for them and you when you feel the need, open that box up, cry it out if you want but never forget to always close it back when you are done because you are still alive, you matter and so you must fight the pain and live a good life. Even if its not for you, for that person you love.

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Its like you wake up one morning and then it hits you like a train. Realization dawns upon you just how empty your life is. The greatest feeling in the world is to love and be loved they say, you don't know that, your heart yearns for love yet, selfishness and cowardice over shadows your mind. You are lost in a trance, in a world where you tell yourself what to believe and how to act. You close up your heart and dwell in the darkness of your soul. They say love is magical but you don't believe it. You think love is just  peoples way of justifying irrational and complicated feelings towards each other. Love at first sight is the silliest of them all you think.

Today you begin to wonder, if you were to die today, like completely be gone from the face of the earth, would you truly look up at the gates of heave and say "My life was complete"? They say your life is only complete when you share it with someone. You begin to ponder on the reasons why you ended up alone. You realize you took yourself above others. Gave yourself principles too great to even keep up with. Set your bar so high knowing noone would reach it. Sadness burdens you and your heart becomes heavy.

You begin to cry but the tears hurt. You have noone to talk to, no one to console you, noone to hand you a tissue. Your heart tightens and you clutch at your chest for dear life screaming out "i'm sorry" but what are you sorry for? who are you telling? You remember you are alone in a big apartment in a very large world. As the tears flow you realize the universe has no pity on cowards and selfish people. "I should have taken a chance with my heart" you cry but the tears just hurt more. You roll over on your big empty bed, clutching at the depression trying to swallow you up, not even thinking about fighting it.

Suddenly like a queue from above, your heart losens, the tears stop hurting, the pain lessens. You try to stand up, your feet tingle but you try to walk anyways towards the big door of the big apartment. You open the door and walk down the stairs leading to the beach. You stand before the ocean and feel so small in a world so big and then this little kid,so small, like an angel walks up to you and tugs at your hand and asks "why are you sad?" with true concern in his eyes. You wonder how a kid you don't even know could feel concern for you and then you realize this could be you second chance, the universe handing it to you. You bend a little,smile at the kid, and then you whisper "I'm not sad anymore kid,i think i just might have figured out what love is". Confused kid, smiling adult. You kiss the kids head, wave goodbye and walk off smiling, feeling the very soft wet sad cuddle between your toes.
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